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The Nettle, Hero of the Hedgerow
A tale of an underdog striking back
Scorned and taunted, shunned unwanted
Stood the nettle among the plants.
Never favoured, bouquet unsavoured,
Never picked for a floral dance.
While wild rose climbed and bluebell chimed
And daisy white bespecked the lawn
The lowly nettle in humble fettle
By other plants was held in scorn.
“But,” said the nettle, weed of mettle.
“One day these shrubs will treat me right.
“Despite abuses, I have my uses,
“My day will come.” And it did one night.
A drunken bum to the field had come
To relieve himself intending.
He dropped his pants and took a stance
At an angle forward bending.
A moment of calm – then a great alarm
Took those blossoms cowering under
While overhead to compound their dread
A report rang out like thunder.
A Thousand and One Miles from
Denis Ahern
A tanker stood at anchor of the coast of
And on the bridge keeping his lonely watch
stood a young English Sailor.
In a moment of boredom he looked down at his gyro,
Took out his biro and did a little calculation.
He worked out how far it was from his own home town.
He smiled a sad little smile
And he sang this song;
I’m a thousand and one miles from
I’m feeling so sad and so blue.
But I might feel a little bit happier
If that distance was a thousand and two.
I can see the gas tanks, the flood defence banks,
The catcracker reflected in an oil slick.
There’s one handy about coming from Canvey
You never, ever get home sick.
I’m a thousand and one miles from
I’m feeling so sad and so blue.
But I might feel a little bit happier
If that distance was a thousand and two.
You may sing of
But they can’t hold a candle to Canvey.
On this planet’s face it’s a unique place
And one place like that’s one too many.
I’m a thousand and one miles from
I’m feeling so sad and so blue.
But I might feel a little bit happier
If that distance was a thousand and two.
When all is said and done,
I miss you more than anyone supposes.
Of the Old Father Thames halitosis.
I’m a thousand and one miles from
I’m feeling so sad and so blue.
But I might feel a little bit happier
If that distance was a thousand and two.
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